I'm Christian—but I hardly ever discuss the fact openly on my blog. I feel overly self-conscious, like a book removed of its flap. Sometimes I wonder how Lauren and Clara are just so open to speaking about religion as if it were second nature. The outside world urges me to engage in a place where religion is something that falls next to the categories of name, date of birth, and address whenever pried at for information. As I'm typing this, my mind is literally calling out to me, "Why is this uncomfortable task so freaking hard?"
Life has been kind enough to not belong to a church stifling every ounce of difference that comes around and demanding conformity. I'm not exactly what you'd call the model Christian, though. I attend church, Confirmation, and youth group-- the latter being something that hardly anyone in my grade level does. It's so minuscule than what you're being called to do. I know stories from the Bible, not verses. Never in my life have I been called to do choir or be an altar server. I am so far from living in the image of an ideal Christian. Most pancake breakfasts are left unattended by my family.
Even if one isn't in the same religion as I am or if they don't believe in any religion at all, anyone can relate that there those out there asking more out of what they can manage, sometime.
Is it all right to harbor some feelings of fear talking about one's personal religion? Feelings of self-consciousness? Doubt? Uncertainty?
If one is spiritual, their spiritual life is going to have both its high and low points. I'm one of countless who ends up struggling at times, asking why certain bad things happen. It's probably the most common question that many Christians who turn away from the faith will ask. "Why did said thing happen to me?" It's completely easy to tumble down a road where the path is too hard to see through, where kudzu vines slap cheeks, mud cakes feet, and everything seems horrible to the point where one may exclaim that they feel kind of let down.
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go, religious wise. I think that good and bad things happen for a reason. This has been proven countless times, from stories of crying to socializing to slowly conquering my fear of talking to people by the power of the written word, which is a slow problem. I think that everyone's existence means something, that it's valued. Call me a bit of a hopeful dreamer surrounded by a world that likes to showcase the negativity.
Livy's book affirmed that we are all accounted and valued, and that's incredibly important. We are cherished. We are more than what we think we can accomplish. We are royalty, in the eyes of God. I'm not sure if I'll write more posts like this; it all comes down to what calls out to me. However, I'd just liked to thank her so much for opening my eyes and giving me the opportunity to go out and have the courage to say this. I still struggle with my religious beliefs, but at least I'm going to try to understand more.
p.s. heading to a retreat & will lack contact with the internet world until I get back! Will reply to all comments then; wish me luck!