Everyone has those places and moments where all of their thinking occurs: in the bathroom, at a coffee shop, inside the library wedged between two bookshelves so that no one can disturb you-- there is always that place, a place, to think. My place is my bedroom, looking up towards the ceiling, with the city lights seeping in through closed blindfolds as I hear the "tick, tock" of my clock going monotonously back and forth.
Sometimes, I have no idea if I am a morning person or an night owl. When I get up, I'm extremely ready for the day to unfold, but at night, my mind never ceases to end its bumbling chatter. Even after reading or writing, my mind will not rest until I lull myself to sleep or feel satisfied with what is on my mind.
Perhaps its the calmness and tranquility of the night that causes my mind to begin to "talk." I'm not the most talkative person out there on the planet, but if you speak about something that I love and believe in, you better get some duct tape because I will not stop rambling for hours on end. It's the same thing with my mind, I suppose.
I'm weird, and most people know that, and they ask themselves, "What goes on inside my head?" Well, that I'll gladly say.
At night, I think about the past-- what has happened today. I think about all of the good and bad things I have done in my life. I think about my friends and what has come and go of them, I think about the two ladies who said, "Excuse me," inside the store as the cart I was guarding carefully for my parents obstructed their way.
I think about the future. Where will I go? What will I be? Who will I become? What will come of tomorrow? Who, what, when, where, or why, this one especially, the five W's will come into my mind. I think of things that I may use in the future or things that have helped shaped this future. Several nights ago, I was asking myself, "How does a hinge work?"
Come on. Who has asked and wondered how a hinge works? We take so much of the technology we have around us and we never really bother to ask how. But sometimes, I do. The world out there is a beautiful and mysterious place. We all ought to look around and ask questions.
I think and imagine. Most of my ideas, especially my novel plots, come from when I lay in bed, and I sit and imagine what would happen to think character if I did this or what if I introduced this person to the plot. I don't just imagine scenarios in my novels, but also I think of, "What if?" What if, in the past, this played out differently? What if I slept more? What if I grew taller? What if, what if, what if?
The questions never seem to stop, but ultimately, these things I think of all boil down and encompass the big two questions of, "Who am I?" and "What is the meaning of life?" At this point, you may be thinking that I'm too young to be thinking of this sort of thing.
You may be right, of course, but it is never too early to start. It's never too early to think of who you will be and how you will help make a difference in this world. I think, I question, I imagine, all because I don't want to just exist. I want to run barefooted in the grass, I want to have the spirit of a child, I want to go out there to meet the world. I want to live.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde
I know it sounds cliched. It kind of does, doesn't it? "Go out and live!" "Go and make a difference in the world!" These are such mantras that if you, like me, have ever gone to school, you have most likely heard of. The world isn't this place with gum drops and unicorns and butterflies; that's always how I have lived my life. I'm a girl who lives in this fantasy land who believes that wrongs can easily be righted and that happily ever after comes to all.
But that's not how the world works, does it? There's crime and there are couples who get divorced, and I'm just touching on the surface of some of the problems of the world. Yet, despite all of this, I'm still going to be positive. There is always hope for a better tomorrow, and somehow, I am going to be a part of it.
And with these thoughts, signing off at 9:45 PM in the evening, I can now go to bed, content, dreaming of whatever may come to me tomorrow.