10 April 2015

"Watch" -- Part 5

This is it, the one you've all been waiting for: the climax of my story Watch. I am quite proud of how this chapter turn out; though it does have its flaws, the amount of intensity that it holds is all there. If you have not read the first four chapters, I strongly suggest for you to catch up before reading this. 1  |  2  |  3  |  4 

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I woke up to the greeting of a feverish feeling in my forehead. It has been about eight days since I had entered the hospital, and in that time span I was informed to have a large tumor in its final stages of development. “We will have to perform surgery on you, however, there is a chance you might not survive, should something go wrong.”
The response that came out of my chapped lips sounded nothing like me at all. “All right.”
The days were set in a monotonously dull setting: wake, be checked by a nurse, weave in and out of consciousness, and do the same thing the next day. The only variety that I got in my time was when my friends came over and visited me.
I wasn’t feeling good, and whether it was due to the tasteless food spoon fed to me or the intense smell of window cleaner, the reason was unclear. My head was throbbing through a hot pain—though not as intense as the day I passed out. My entire body swelled with heat, and worst of all, my vision consisted of miniature pixels forming a low quality view of my surroundings. I pulled the sheets closer to my body and swaddled myself like a taco wrapping.
What wasn’t hindered by my feeling was my sense of hearing, and I strained to listen to a conversation happening outside my door.
“… Seven days. It look all of you seven days to get here.” Monique’s voice thundered outside my room. Uh-oh, I thought, whoever she was talking to should not be squabbling around and taking things in a joking matter.
“Mother and Father said that we were to meet here to check on sis’s condition, but honestly, this feels like a waste of time. I’m sure that the others are having similar thoughts.” Riley. Riley is here. If Riley is here, then—
The other four are here. Oh Lor, am I going to have to go through this repetitive pattern with a distraught ending all over again?
“Waste of time?” Peter bellowed. “Dude, Mel has been one of the greatest people I have met in my life! I may not have a close relationship like she does with Luke, but a waste of time? Biggest piece of bull in my life. Don’t you care about here?”
“Of course we do,” George, the younger of my two brothers, snapped. “But don’t you understand that we can’t pause our life for her? I have a wife and a five-month old baby to look after! Why is it the younger siblings of the family always spoiled? Melody is spoiled; that’s all she is.”
At this point my rising fever surges up, and I curled up into a ball. The shock of my brother’s affect me, but I am too distracted at my condition at hand to mope about the comment.
“Spoiled? Spoiled is what you think of her? Gosh, that’s dumb. It’s frustrating! Have you even met your own sister? She was the girl who always strove to be kind and helpful, who wanted to live her dreams, but the one thing that Melody truly wanted could never be received. For years, she has balled up inside of this eating desire. If Melody wasn’t one of my best friend, I’d think of all of you as knuckleheads, and that’s only the beginning of the long list of things I could think for you four. This is worse than in the City!”
There seemed to be a small fight breakout. I couldn’t see past the door, but the yelling volume escalated rapidly. Monique threw out the worse curse words she could have thought of in the moment. Amy’s voice squeaked, “Monique, calm down!”
“I can’t calm down! Don’t try to restrain me, Peter; I am going to lash out all I want! Do you know what Melody wanted? Do you four know what she had always yearned for? If you know her and answer this question right, fine, I’ll let you go back to your pathetic little lives.”
My brothers and sisters stay quiet. “SPEAK!” Monique screamed.
“I don’t know, nor do I care!”
“You cretins! She want your guys’ respect and approval! She wanted to feel that you loved her, and not once in her darn time she grew up with you she felt that!” With those words, my stomach lurched forward. There is was, my secret was out, and there was no way it could be taken back now.
“I think it’s so aggravating, that she loves you so much, people who could never truly love her back!”
“Look, I am going to speak for everyone related to her-“
“Have you wondered why she stood up against you on that day we first clashed heads in middle school? Have you even bothered to see what Melody, the valedictorian, said during graduation? It was about you, you for sniveling people. It was always about you.
“She used to cry to me at night about how much you four wouldn’t notice her, how discouraged her felt. Don’t tell me you knew her, or you knew how lucky you are to have her, because I know darn well that you don’t have a darn clue about how much she loves you.
“You have no idea how much a person truly loves you until they are… until they’re gone.” Monique’s voice creaks, and she wept, stumbling to the ground. In the background, I hear Luke weeping as well. Some of the closest people in my life were weeping for me. Jenna, Nate, Riley and George are rendered speechless.
Meanwhile, as the tears of my friends were shed, I cried into my disinfected scented pillow, crying out tears of the same pain that I felt as a five-year-old spirited girl. 

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So, what do you think? Please go on ahead and leave me a critique in the comments, and if they are lengthy, that's okay-- it helps a lot and makes it easier to have conversations with you all! Also, if you don't mind, would you take the time to fill out my survey?

27 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh! I'm speechless! It was so amazingly amazing and perfectly perfect that my throat is closing up! Although not quite sure HOW my throat is though ha ha. I say this EVERY TIME but you are 100% talented and you should have a lot of pride. I reckon this part is your best! I will happily take the servey! I can't fault this, it's too perfect!! Xoxo

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    1. Haha! Maybe it's closing up from all of the emotion? I saw your response you gave via the survey; I'm going to apply it ASAP, though there are some parts I am certain will have to wait (i.e. like refreshing my blog design)! I can't wait to collab with you!

      xoxo Morning

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  2. This is brilliant Morning! Really, it's just so superb and you should be so proud of yourself! :))

    Please, I beg you: Don't end here! Does Melody live? Does she die? DO HER SIBLINGS FINALLY SHOW A SHRED OF HUMANITY AND LOVE FOR THEIR SISTER????

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    1. How do we take this survey?

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    2. Hi Cindy I thought I'd tell you how to take it. Simply press 'my survey!' She's hyperlinked it! Xoxo

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    3. The final chapter of this series though is going to be... well, let's say you will all hate what I will ultimately decide to do, but life in this world doesn't always typically end in a happily ever after. And you may take the survey by clicking the "my survey" part, like Miss Internet said; it is hyperlinked. Thanks so much Miss Internet for helping her ^.^

      xoxo Morning

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    5. If you're planning what i think you're planning then YOU ARE PURE EVIL!

      I really hope I'm wrong with this assumption. ....

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    6. Hehe.... Well, see, I want to make the story believable, but I kind of want something to come out of all of Melody's hope that she though was wasted over the course of her years. If I kill her, then this next chapter won't be painful, but this final chapter kind of needs to have this balance of depth and heaviness. Just wait and see what I do, my dears.

      xoxo Morning

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  3. Really great writing and plot line. I hope you have many more installments.

    My only critique is that occasionally you switch from past to present tense and vice versa. It's a pretty common and easily fixed mistake, so don't worry.

    Keep writing!

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    1. Thanks so much for the critique back! I used to not have this big problem of past and present tense, but I think once I attempted to write a novel present tense, with all of my previous novels in past, it's very hard for me to revert back. ^.^ There's one more installment after this so hang tight!

      xoxo Morning

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  4. Loved this! So gripping and ahhh, you're a very good writer. :)

    Lauren ~ Pretty Things And Polka Dots

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    1. Thank you, Lauren! One more part in this short story; hang in there!

      xoxo Morning

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  5. That was really good!! Captivating.
    -Christine @ Everything is Blogsome

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    1. the link didn't work for some reason....should be everythingisblogsome.blogspot.com

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    2. Thank you, Christine! I think the link didn't work because it wasn't written with "http://" or something...

      xoxo Morning

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  6. *Jaw drops* Amazing, Morning!

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  7. THIS WAS SO AWESOME <3 Good job, Morning! This was so so good and touching, it'd be awesome if you added more installments, but it's still so touching. Loved it <3

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    1. I'm glad many are loving this! There's one more part, and well, the ending of this short story ties up MOST loose ends, except one, and that one loose end is ultimately decided by what you think happened.

      xoxo Morning

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  8. AHHHHHHH! SO good Morning!!

    xo,
    megann

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  9. Oh my gosh... I want more!! I feel like crying, this is just so well written. Please don't let Melody die, please please please.
    This is really good Morning, please don't give up on this story <3

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    1. I won't be giving up on this story, in fact, this is one of the stories where the level of emotion have been headily consistent and I'm quite proud of it, no matter how heartbreaking it is. You'll see what happens to Melody, just you wait.

      xoxo Morning

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  10. more, more please!! this is so good! the plot is realistic and melody is a very identifiable girl. i love it <3 xxx.

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    1. I love the bit realism in Melody, too, this young spirited character of mind. I wish there were more parts, but all good things, and stories, must come to an end. The ending may possibly be brutal, but I will try to make it be satisfying.

      xoxo Morning

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xoxo Morning